Photography with Amanda of

Loving a narcissist, unconditionally, cost me my everything-

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He lied- and I forgave. He cheated and I forgave- He missed Christenings of his own children and I forgave- He missed birthdays and I forgave- Then, after finally going to court for child support and he started missing his every other weekends, I forgave- Why? Why did I let this one man do me and my kids so much harm? Now that I look back, he struck when i was hot- He struck when I was golden, He struck when I was on top of the world- When I had the world by the balls he came- he begged me for my attention, begged me to give him another chance- begged me to make his family work- And instead of being the strong, independent woman I have always been, and instead of saying no way- you don’t deserve me..I said ok. I was so close to moving on with someone else- so close to never looking back- so close to being done with the head games- so close- so close to a happy, normal life. So close to giving my kids exactly what they needed. So close- but he said come move back in, give up your home, give up your job, give up your friends and come move back into the home we started our life in, come back, I miss you in the house. I miss being with you, I miss waking up next to you. I fell for it- Day 1 back in his home after me leaving 3/4 of my home at the curb in a free pile he says get out, Day 1- yes the first day we were there, kids schools were changed (something he had to go to the school to do since its his residence)- day 1 says ohhh never mind- you and the kids need to get the fuck out- I cant take this- there’s too much clutter, too many bins and boxes, too much noise- too much, get out- Excuse me? Is this a joke? I just gave up my everything to try to make my life work with you and day 1 you are throwing us out? with no where to go? Yes- yes he is- So much so that I had to call the police because he was yelling at us to get out of his house- not caring that we had nowhere to go- just yelling to get out- in front of his 4 year old and his 5 year old daughters and my 7 year old son and my 15 year old son–Police came, they informed him that he cant do that to us- so his thinking is- well i’ll just make sure I make her miserable every day till she finally leaves, if she tries to work I’ll change the locks when she leaves, I’ll undo her garage door opener. I told the police this (since he said he was going to do this) and they said no way- he cant do that to you. No he cant but guess what he can do- He can still be fucking his other gf(s) that he’s had the last 6-11 months while he was with me, he can still lie to her and tell her that I only moved in because I HAD to, not because he wanted me to (yes I have recordings proving he lied to them-yes there’s more than 1), he can still yell and call me names in front of the kids each day, verbally and mentally and emotionally abusing them and me, bruising their egos and scaring them into not breathing loudly or speaking a word, scaring them into not having laughter in the house cause daddy wants it silent.Scaring them to not want to crunch a Doritos, yes this is all true stories- He’d flip over them crunching on eating Doritos- Every day is a miserable, scary experience. My kids and I are experiencing something that no one should ever have to, so why didn’t I say no to trying to make my family work? Why did I go on the last 6+ years thinking I was going to be able to change him into a loving, caring, trustworthy, honest  man and father? What is wrong with me? Well, I’m about to find out whats wrong with me but not before I inform every single person that knows this man of the cold hard truth. The facts. All his ex’s can back me up I am sure- Now I know why none of them chased back after him, well except one of the recent ones, but this has always been a game to the one, a game she can win because I am going to let her win. I am going to sit back as she slowly starts to unwrap her prize and realizes that oh crap- this guy is no prize- not at all. But let me add, I kind of feel bad for her- she’s seeing the “fake him” the awesome him, the in the beginning stages of him, she doesn’t know the real him yet, but she will- Why I wanted to save her from this is beyond me, she got herself into this, why shouldn’t she learn on her own? This goes back to me being to caring, too forgiving- I’m working on changing that part of me, just slightly, because I don’t think someone in my future shouldn’t get the caring forgiving me just because someone did me so wrong prior to them.

What kind of father doesn’t see his kids from his 2nd marriage for over a year? What kind of father can make time to date 3 women at the same time all while bashing the one to the other but cant make a night out for ice cream w his kids? Cant make it home to dinner in time for or with his kids? What kind of dad changes his kids schools and makes them adjust for nothing? I’ll tell you what kind a dad- no dad- he’s not a dad, he’s not a father. His title is and always will be “sperm donor”. That’s it. What kind of man will yell and call you a white trash piece of shit mother and then 4 hours later try hugging and kissing you? No man- he’s not a man. He’s a sorry excuse for a human being.

Heres a kicker for ya- I started helping him again with his businesses(yes plural, a very lucrative landscape business and now a new charter boat business) His landscape business clients will call me regarding invoices etc and they will talk to me as if I am just his employee, some will ask if I am his wife, but most just start by saying, “I don’t know how you can work for this man” , “All he does is yes me to death and never shows up”, or “he’s promised me this , this or that and I am still waiting” Yes mam’ or yes sir- I know exactly what you mean, but guess what? when I confront him and say hey, so and so called regarding a fence you were supposed to repair, she said she’s not paying her invoices till you do your end of the deal he says, oh she’s fucking crazy, or she’s a pain in the ass- no, your guys ruined her fence, your guys ruined her property, you promised to repair it and you still haven’t, its not her, its you- but remember, this is something that narcissists do, They Blame Everyone Else Around Them- it is never them! It is never their fault- Never, let me repeat, Never! They do no wrong-

The signs were so clear- They were so black and white. Why didn’t I accept them? Why did I let it get this far? It’s a very freeing feeling knowing that I am finally making my great escape- I am feeling as if the weight of the world is being lifted- I actually think I may find myself again, the real me, the fun me, the outgoing me. While with him if I talked to a human of the opposite sex I was automatically fucking him. If I went to Walmart and came home with something from Circle K, I was a lying whore- How did I get something from Circle K when I had said I was running to Walmart? How dare I had stopped off somewhere else without notifying him first? I wasn’t allowed to work. If I worked I was cheating. I got my job back and everything is already falling into place- I have a huge support system that is helping me make my escape and without them I probably would have given up on everything, given up on my hopes and dreams. But I am happy to say- he did not win this one- He may have knocked me down but I got right back up- I’m a fighter, I am a survivor. Now its time to work on myself some more but most importantly my kids. Its time to show them what real love is, what a real happy life is. And watch me- because thats exactly what I am going to do- watch me nay nay-

I’m probably going to have to promise this next man in my life that I am not going to bring this man up, or talk about what he’s done and I am going to try my hardest to respect that- but the other side of me wants the story to be heard , maybe just in hopes of not bashing this man, but from preventing any other women, especially with children, from going thru the same thing I did.

As I got to this point, writing this Wednesday night… the kids were about to arrive home off the Awana van from Church. So I left off right there, just saying that writing this is just in hopes that if anyone sees signs of these by any man or woman to get away- Not that most will listen because I didn’t listen to anyone screaming at me to get away, but maybe one will.  So I got my kids off the van, we walked inside, it was late- I poured their chocolate milk into their sippy cups and there was a knock at the door…… Who could that be? It was 2 police officers… 9:30pm on a school night….. To be continued….

There’s so much but in a nutshell …He had put a bogus restraining order on me to remove me and kids from the and house on a school night. Kids crying tired as the cops (his cop friends) are making me scramble to grab what I can for kids school bags next day and removing us from the home. With no where to go. But him and his home wrecking whore high fived each other thinking it was awesome watching it unfold. Oh if u think this isn’t bad enough. He then gets me arrested for breaking it- which didn’t happen the way it was accused. Then he cries for me back within week of having this temp. He can’t live w/o me. Fast forward. May 2017 it happens again. And he has me arrested again for breaking it. Me ripped away from my now own home. Kids. Dogs. And thrown in jail. He lied. Him and his hww both lied but I won. In court. I proved my innocence and I proved he lied. But it didn’t take away what he did to me. Didn’t take away that I spent 22 hrs locked up. But he loves me and wants me. I want so badly to post every recording and every video but I have found a real man. A real life and that whore he’s with who was a part of all this doesn’t deserve one more piece of help from me – my happiness and ability to love my now future husband the way I never thought I’d be able to love anyone again means everything to me. I thought I was done. Destroyed. Broken. But I am, day by day, smiling more and more over how in love I am w a real honest man! This narc is a distant memory about to completely fade away. But people were right. U just cut off all communication or it will never end. I never wanted to change my number because of him and his shit. Guess what? I did. And now he has nothing. He can’t get to me anymore. Communication cut. Best tip I can give and it was given to me years prior. I should have listened. U should too.

3 Replies to “Loving a narcissist, unconditionally, cost me my everything-”

  1. Reblogged this on The Life I Live… and commented:
    I had lived the past 22yrs in a relationship, that not until ending it 5mos ago, seeking therapy and educating myself, have I realized how my codependent/narcissistic relationship had transpired. How I ended up where I am today. Finally healing!🙌🏻

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you – this whole blogging thing is new to me- but Im hoping something I say can help someone or prevent someone from going thru this- I am working so hard to build my photography business and I had him ripping me downwards- so I am pushing myself in the right direction-

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m not the best at this myself🤦🏼‍♀️
        I just now was able to finally read your comment..
        A lot has been going on..I’m lucky to keep with myself some days let alone technology!😂😉


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